


To Her, I Taste Of Nothing At All

by mageicalwishes



Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [6]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: (Not Ever Actually Described Though), Carry On Countdown 2020 (Simon Snow), Carry On Countdown Day 6, Everyone Is Over 18 Just To Be 100 Percent Clear, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Implied Sexual Content, Pining, Unrequited Love, Watford Eighth Year, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:35:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27813130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mageicalwishes/pseuds/mageicalwishes
Summary: "But then, before I even knew what was happening, she was kissing me back. And Crowley, I swear I melted. She tasted of cigarette smoke and spiced rum - Like fire personified."Carry On Countdown, Day 6 - WLW (Women Love Women).
Relationships: Ebeneza "Ebb" Petty & Fiona Pitch, Ebeneza "Ebb" Petty/Fiona Pitch, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027147
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	To Her, I Taste Of Nothing At All

**Ebb**

The first time it happened was New Year's Day. We’d stumbled back into our room from our impromptu party on the Lawn with Nicky (After her sister came out and yelled at us), when she suggested that we dance. It was stupid, really - Flinging ourselves about to The Doors, our booze-addled minds incapable of keeping a beat - but it was fun. _So fun._ She was giggling loudly, spinning me around the room with reckless disregard for our neighbours. And I just couldn’t stop _smiling._ Everything felt so … big - So _light_ and _bold._ I didn’t think - I didn’t even know how it happened - I just … did it. 

I’d been thinking about it for months. I’d always known that I liked girls (Well, ever since I figured out what my weird obsession with Kate Bush _really_ was), and then the Crucible went and gave me her. With her copper skin and her salt and pepper waves, that near permanently raised slitted eyebrow; it was impossible not to fall. I’d been infatuated with her since the start, but I’d never actually intended to _act_ on it. _I mean, for Merlin’s sake, Ebb, use your brain!_ But, in that moment, I was drunk enough that I didn’t care to be cautious. I just _wanted_ . I didn’t think about the embarrassment, or the risk, or the rejection. I just thought of her. I let it all go and just _did_ it. I kissed her. _Finally._

She stiffened at first, clearly shocked, and my mind snapped back to normality at a sickening pace, desperately trying to recall a memory spell potent enough to erase _everything._ But then, before I even knew what was happening, she was kissing me back. And _Crowley_ , I swear I melted. She tasted of cigarette smoke and spiced rum - Like fire personified. And she was so _confident_ with it, working her jaw against mine as she knott her hands in the roots of my hair (I don’t know, maybe she snogged girls all the time. It definitely seemed like she knew what she was doing, and she _was_ always going on about how fit Chrissie Hynde is). Unprepared for reciprocation, I was at a loss. So, I just lay my head back against the wall and let her go - Let her give me everything that I’d been craving. 

And then, as she trailed hot kisses down my neck, she offered me _everything -_ Wrapping her hands around my wrists and tugging them downwards, pressing my palms to the backs of her thighs. 

“What do you want?” she’d said, voice low and heady. 

_Christ._ What did I want? I didn’t even know (Well … I mean, I kind of did, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her, even _with_ all the Whiskey). But she was asking. Her skin was warm and soft and _real_ in my hands, and she was offering it all to me. I could’ve just … taken it. But I didn’t want it to be like that - Blurry eyed and spur of the moment. So I shook my head. 

“I do want to. I just … another time? I want - I think that we should wait” 

Taking a step back she’d smiled, soft and uncharacteristically apologetic. “Alright. Another time. Wanna just go to bed? I think I may have had a bit too much, I’ve got a fucking _massive_ headache.”

Truthfully, I didn’t really want to sleep, despite the increasing heaviness of my eyelids. I _wanted_ to go back to dancing - To pretending that everything was normal. I wanted to spend more time with _this_ Fiona. But I agreed. 

Yet, despite my woe, when I came back from the bathroom, she was laid out on my bed, boots and jeans still firmly in place. Unsure, I stood frozen in the doorway, staring at the curve of her back against my sheets until she started laughing at me, lifting up the duvet in invitation. 

“Come on, Ebby,” she’d teased. “Don’t go all shy on me,” 

So … I went for it, slipping into bed beside her and taking her in my arms; drifting into sleep with the taste of fire still heavy on my lips. 

I assumed that it would be over after that - Her promise of ‘Another time’ doomed to go undelivered. Just a mad one-off - but, to my surprise, it continued. We weren’t … anything proper, not really (I mean, she didn’t look at me the same way that she looked at Nicky). But it was _something._

Every now and then she’d come into our room with that wicked glint in her eye, and I knew that I was lost. She’d have me boneless, kissing up my thighs and muttering all kinds of wild things into my ear, before I even had time to wrap my head around _why_ (My mother would’ve be so disappointed if she’d found out what we were up. She’d always said that the ‘Pitch girl’ was a bad influence) _._ But I needed it. I _liked_ it. 

Alas, I couldn’t stop myself from wanting more. From wanting something _real._ Something more than just … messing about. 

She’d never really shown an interest in having a ‘real’ relationship before, always preferring quick, non-committal flings (Half of which were based off of nothing more than the desire to piss off her parents), but for a mad moment, I convinced myself that maybe she’d make an exception for me. 

She was always softer with me when we were like that - Holding me tight against her at night, and reassuring me when I thought I was getting things wrong. But, it went beyond that. Even on days when we wouldn’t have our ‘fun’, she’d still sneak into my bed to cuddle, or press kisses to my clammy forehead when I got one of my cursed migraines. It was … strange. It was if, once we opened that door to intimacy, she couldn’t help herself from creeping through it, even in situations where ‘friends’ would almost certainly draw the line. And then … there was my birthday. 

She’d woken me up at the crack of dawn, jumping on my bed, still in her knickers and worn Queen pyjama shirt, shouting about ‘exciting plans’. And then, after breakfast, she’d driven me out into the countryside and led me into a barn _filled_ with goats and sheep, where she’d set us up a little picnic with pizza, and hot chocolate, and strawberries (She’d even gone so far as to bake me a little ginger cake). “I know it smells like shit in here,” she’d said. “But I thought you’d appreciate the company.” 

I’ll admit that, in spite of the gesture, I was a little apprehensive at first. But, after she explained that the farm belonged to her ‘Sister’s pet’ (Which I can only assume was the Fiona way of saying ‘husband’), I soon relaxed. And then, it was lovely. 

We danced, and talked, and laughed, and played with the animals (Fi tried to feed a lamb a piece of pepperoni but I managed to convince her not to). She told me all about her new nephew and I told her about the time me and Nicky accidentally turned our nanny blue. It was friendly. It was _nice._ And then … she kissed me - Unrushed and to no purpose - and it was _perfect._

So, when she finally had to go (Off to her pre-arranged birthday drinks date with Nicky), I couldn’t find it in myself to dampen the day with the appropriate amount of jealousy. Instead, I left floating far above Cloud Nine, that small, nagging part of my mind teasing me with a hopeful _‘What If?’_ , despite my better judgement. 

Consumed by the prospect of more, a few weeks before the end of term - Before the end of Watford - I bit the bullet and initiated that regrettable ‘What are we?’ conversation. She’d just laughed, like I was being utterly absurd, in her usual, unbothered way and set me straight with a simple “We’re friends, Ebb. Best friends. Don’t stress yourself out by overcomplicating things, it’s just a bit of fun. Relax. Let yourself enjoy it.” 

I was in a foul mood for weeks after that. Even though I _knew_ that that’s all it was - That my foolish, growing love could only ever be one-sided - hearing it hit me like a curse. Left me wounded - _Bitter, and broken, and bruised._

She didn’t know, of course - About the depth of my feelings (I guess I wasn’t as unsubtle as I thought, after all). While she may have a bit of a negative reputation, what with her famously short temper and record-breaking list of detentions, Fi wasn’t cruel. Not to me. _Never_ to me. She didn’t say it to be harsh, or to cut me down, she said it because it was true. _‘Just friends’._ Only ever _‘Just_ friends’

Thinking back, I should’ve stopped it right then and there (It would’ve saved me a lot of heartache). But … I couldn’t give her up. Even though the messy, undefined greyness of the ‘relationship’ that we found ourselves in was so _far_ from what I _really_ wanted, I took it all greedily - Our ‘benefits’ my subpar consolation prize. Her distant touch a hollow shadow of what I longed for. Sometimes it felt like it was tearing me to pieces. Sometimes it felt like it was the only thing holding me together. Sometimes it felt like nothing at all. Like I said … Fiona Pitch is fire personified. And I’d let her burn me a thousand times. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed :) Comments and kudos, appreciated.  
> My Tumblr: [Link text](https://mageicalwishes.tumblr.com/)  
> Also it's verrrrry late, so I'm going to post this without my final proofread. If you spot any spelling/grammar mistakes they should be gone by tomorrow :)


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